[minneken1911]

Update:

Two days ago, my boyfriend Will and I finally said those words to each other. I regret that we did it over the phone though, but that was all my fault. I was too chicken to say in person.

On Thursday and Friday I finally got to see him again. We had been apart since April 20 when he went away to army bootcamp. Thursday was Family Day where we, his family and I, got to spend the day with him (11am to 8:30pm). We had been writing letters to each other and in one of them I wrote that I was wondering if maybe I loved him but that I didn't know for sure because I had never been before and didn't know how to know when you love someone. He's my first guy, first kiss, first everything. Anyway, about halfway through the day, we were walking, holding hands and he leaned close to my ears and asked in that sweet sexy way, "So, you still think you love me?" I froze and just stared at the ground as we walked, not answering his question because I knew that if I even opened my mouth, I would start to cry. The rest of the day, he kept bringing it up again, and still I couldn't say it. I almost did as we were saying goodbye for that day, but then I felt the tears come and then just buried my face in his chest instead until they subsided and then kissed him.

The next day was graduation day, where we only got to be with him for less than two hours. At the end, after he and his family cried and said their goodbyes, we were left alone to say ours. We were standing under a tree by his barracks. We hugged and he said "You never answered my question." I took a pause and said "I think you know what the answer is." He then said that he wanted to hear it from me. I wanted to say it so badly, but I didn't, and I'm so kicking myself for that now. That would've been the best time to say it. Instead, I hugged and kissed him. Some sergeants saw what we were doing, and yelled at us giving him a warning. There's no fraternizing in the army. I got scared, pulled away from him, said goodbye, and left him under the tree.

So, I left Will without saying what I really needed to say to him, knowing I probably wouldn't see him again until September. That day and the next, I just kept regretting what I did and didn't do, and cried incessantly (literally) over missing him so badly. Then on Saturday he called and asked me again. I said I didn't want to answer because it seemed so impersonal to do it over the phone (duh, who's fault is that?). Then he asked me to just say yes or no, and I said yes. He asked, "how much?," and I answered in a broken voice because I was starting to cry "so much," and then I sobbed like a baby. I told him that the reason I couldn't say it to him when we were together was because I felt like crying everytime I even thought about saying it. Then, he told me he loved me.

It felt good to finally let that out, but it by no means makes the separation easier. The sad thing is we've spent more time apart than we've spent together since we had only been together just shy of a month before he left. We've still got 12 more weeks to go before he finally gets to come home. I'm used to waiting though. I've waited 21 years to find someone so, 12 more weeks isn't so bad in comparison.