Well past when "the adverts" began but...

[Spamlet]

My official !

Love to all my lil' eskimo pies. Huddle together for warmth if ye're "a-cold"* where ya are. To mark the big day here are some timely funnies for y'all to 'Ho, Ho, Ho' to. Enjoy! (*Ten points to the person who can name that classical literary reference.)



A lady was picking through the frozen Christams geese at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these geese get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they're dead.”



Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged;
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill);
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug";
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house;
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25;

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.



Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of sub zero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde finally turned to the other and said "I've had it. I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates."In honor of this holy season you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle!" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said "They're bells!"
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets when he suddenly realized that he already possessed the solution to his dilemma. He pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked "And just what exactly do those have to do with Christmas?"

The man replied "They're Carol's!"

[Spamlet]

'Tis the season for strange crimes by even stranger people, with police blotters expanding faster than a 6-year-old's wish list of gifts.

David Allen Rodgers, 42, was arrested Dec. 3 for driving while intoxicated — at the wheel of a float during the annual Christmas parade in Anderson, S.C. According to witnesses, Rodgers sped down Main Street in the Steppin' Out Dance Studio float with 19 people aboard, ran a red light and led police on a 3-mile chase.

Police said that when Rodgers finally stopped, they found an open container of alcohol in his truck. "I made a very bad judgment on my part," Rodgers said at a court hearing.

In Chicago, 32 plastic baby Jesus dolls were stolen from nativity scenes set up in people's front yards. The kidnappers then lined up all the dolls along the fence outside a Chicago woman's home; she rounded them up and turned them over to her parish priest.

Similar creche crimes occurred in 35 cities from Fayateville, N.C., to Mission Viejo, Calif., according to The Catholic League, which tracks nativity vandalism.

In Houghton, Mich., somebody stole an inflatable Grinch from outside an apartment complex. That was just one instance in the area's rash of seasonal thievery: Two brown plastic reindeer, a baby Jesus statue and several wreaths were also stolen.

In Ohio's Hamilton County, a pair of 18-year-olds were arrested for using screwdrivers to stab an inflatable 12-foot-tall Frosty the Snowman. "Why me?" asked Frosty's owner, Matt Williquette. "And why Frosty?"

The snowman had survived two previous stabbing attacks.

Two other local teens were arrested in an unrelated incident where they allegedly smashed a car with a large decorative candy cane, causing $1,000 worth of damage.

An Oklahoma woman was arrested after she visited the Delaware County Jail with a Christmas card for her incarcerated boyfriend. Police said the card held marijuana, leading to Dawn Smith's arrest.

A real-life Grinch in Yonkers, N.Y., made off with $14,000 in staff bonuses and money from the office safe during a Christmas party, police said. Daniel Rios, 38, spent $7,500 in cash but returned about $6,500 in checks, authorities said.

And then there's the case of the Santa Claus kidnapping.

A motorcycle-riding Santa Claus with a stuffed Rudolph in his sidecar was arrested after allegedly grabbing an 8-year-old girl from outside a South Carolina convenience store. John Michael Barton, 55, was in his Claus outfit filling his bike with gas when the girl's family stopped by the store.

The girl's father then saw Barton speeding off with her. After a chase at speeds of up to 80 mph, Barton pulled over his motorcycle and turned over the girl, police said.

Barton was arrested later, hiding inside a bar.


John Michael Barton



P.S. RIP James Brown. "I'm from Ohius!" also.

[Daniel]

tut tut spamlet. wrong area of forum.

[Spamlet]

Right.

The "Post your amateur poetry" thread, though, can apparently stay in the 'Damien Rice' forum.