A friend of mine was inpsired by 9 Crimes...

[Nine]

She just showed me this poem that she 'wrote' - It's basically alternate words to 9 crimes - it isn't a rip, just a representation of her interpretation and inspiration. Anyhoo I just read it and thought it was lovely.

It really only works by listening to the track and following the poem as the song goes along. I'd like to know what you reckon!

She said she'd like me to show you all (she isn't a member of eskimo friends) - but her name is Isley Lynn, just so ye know.


Small Stolen Song

It’s a small kind of crime
And it’s all that I know
To play dumb and hold on
By the skin of my toes
But I killed that some time ago
When you left me nursing your crow

And it keeps returning
Each night in my bed when I’m lonely
That old yearning
That rattles my head and my head only
I think I’m learning
What you meant when you sang so slowly
Just get out
Just get out of me

When you flew I could see
All the scars on your chest
And I knew you were off
To start building your nest
I was earth-bound, you shadowed me here
Without one sob
Without shedding a tear

And I know I’m wingless
But I’m practicing jumping higher
Yes I’m skinless
But my bones feel like they’re on fire
I was twinless
Till you came and bellowed down the wire
Just get out
Just get out of me

And I’m all right, yeah
Slipping by for most my waking hours
Lips are tight, yeah
Used to quiet, now they’ve lost their power
But that’s all right, yeah
Nothing’s left that cannot be devoured
Cause you got out
You got out of me

So leave this body
Don’t need it anyway
Leave my body
Like I left yours that day
Leave me bloody
And steal these words away
Just get out
Just get out
Just get out of me
No

[Nine]

any thoughts?
i see there's been some views
x

[robmcgrail]

Yeah, i was going to post. But then decided not to, but bow i have a better idea about how i feel to this

Ok, i think it its good.

No... i think it is ok...

I think she is very talented

Ok, now ill explain more. I always think to take someones work and base your own words and feelings around is alot easier than starting from scratch, as you already have a basis. However, in this case, some of the language and the feelings and emotions and imagery she uses is very nice indeed. And so id suggest she starts her own things from scratch (if she hasnt already) and PM them to me. I like reading stuff people have created, when its good... And if shes into writing songs then get her to record somthing. I think she has a talent there.

While there are mainly very nice clever interesting parts to this song i.e.

When you flew I could see
All the scars on your chest
And I knew you were off
To start building your nest
I was earth-bound, you shadowed me here


some parts i think are to easy and obvious, maily just in the rhyme. So i didnt really like too much i.e.


I was earth-bound, you shadowed me here
Without one sob
Without shedding a tear

The end to the same verse kinda dragged that one down for me.

But yeah on the whole i can see alot of talent here. I read alot of other song writers lyrics and peoples poems, and this is definatly of the higer levels.

Thanks for sharing.

[beatleboogie]

I think it's VERY good!

Skin of my toes - hehe - I know the expression skin of my teeth (Dave Mustaine has snarled that one to me quite a few times a while back.)
Nice little twist there...

Make her put her own music to it.

Rob might be right, it might be easier to write when you have a rhytm/pattern already laid out for you, but still - this is good writing!

[Nine]

Thanks for the opinions guys!
Rob - she does write a lot of poetry from scratch, in fact this is the first time she has written words to a prewritten rhythm I believe - but I agree it is much easier when doing this rather than starting from scratch.

But when listening to it along with the song it gave me shivers

I will ask her if she minds me posting some of her original stuff!
Thanks alot for the replies
x

[Nine]

I write my own stuff too, I promise! This was really just an exercise - Structurally I wanted to give Damien a nod because I'm a fan, but I rarely base my work on someone else's - just to clear that up.

I can't record my own stuff because I have NO VOICE, however here for your enjoyment is a sonnet that is not about love:

AFTER THE HIKE

two corpses, panting, sprawled across the floor
how greedily we both inhale the sky
and vow to lie transfixed forevermore
and watch the grateful living pass us by
our chatter fills the air around around our shells
we toss a chain of sound from head to head
that resonates beyond the place we fell
the only proof to tell us from the dead
how distant now those bleak moors seem to be
which once tried to extinguish every hope
their sharp winds howling in their mockery
as two pale figure scurried up the slope
but now those ghosts bide only as a thread
of strangled sound we toss from head to head

And if that ain't your style, here's some free verse: (told to post this by NINE)


My Family at Christmas

The city lights are gold piping on the uniforms of a marching band
But I am watching from the hill
With my gloves
And my dog
We are the same color in this light
The city’s glow burns on the skin of our forearms
Like the sun ricochets off the moon
And we are not in brightness or in darkness
In city or in farmyard
But in an air spilling with flies

Back home, my mother speaks in little rivers
Tripping out to sea
With its gaping jaws and hungry gullet
Waiting to swallow her all
So she’s left with a film on the skin from her cheeks to her jaw

My father speaks in hurricanes
But not often
My brother speaks in rainstorms, flooding the pavement and breaking umbrellas
I do not speak anymore, but I laugh much harder

I notice that we’re all running alongside God tonight
Skirting his gaze like tadpoles at sea
And the moon follows just behind, the way it does
We raise as many candles as we can ever hope to light
Balanced on our shoulders and dry scalps too
We are spellbound for a moment
Then return home

Now that our wrappings carpet the floor
And our wasted sweat and wasted space are past us
Our wasted time remains
The waxy residue of countless church candles
And I think it’s worth it
Because Love is like God
And exists if it wants to

hope that clears things up, I'm so glad people have responded to my pieces (I was cajoled into posting in the first place) it's nice to know I'm not the only one getting something out of this process. cheers muchly!

Isley

[Nine]

Ahh Isley you plonker your mac logs you in as me as I have been on your computer :P

Register an account and come and join the wonder of the eskimos!

(For the record everyone else - we are at uni together and her room is nextdoor to mine, this is really very lazy of me....)

what a kuffufle
xx

[Nine]

ooooooooh

ok

bitchin'

[Nine]

I'm making you an account - right now.
sorry all :P
x

[Isley]

wonder! I am my own man! well, woman...

no longer in the shadow of the oppressor that is NINE

*in high voice* NAH JUS KIDDIN THANKS AN' ALL LUV

[Nine]

you are a dick Isley Lynn. Now go and introduce yourself in the 'introduce yourself' forum - and then post something interesting about Damien.

And some more of your wonderous poetry in this thread please.
xx

[Isley]

what, now?

I'm sure no one wants to know about me - and the only thing INTERESTING I have to share about damien is the fact that I tricked you into beleiveing he was in a church in exeter, and how I can't listen to O anymore because it makes me cry cry cry

[Isley]

but i do like him soooooooooo much

I AM NOT A POETRY MACHINE

and i am not that good

i am presently sticking my tongue out at you in an infantile fashion

i am so lost in this cold, eskimo world... igloos as far as the eye can see...

[Nine]

oh come on what was I supposed to do - you were insistant he was there and whilst I just thought it was you knobbing around as usual I knew if I didn't check and you had been telling the truth I would have enternally regretted it...

You are such an idiot.
However, I find you interesting, and I'm sure everyone else will. Go introduce yourself.

Wheels and co - I think this can be moved to the 'everything else' section now!
xxx

[Calum]

....................................

Play nice you two.

[Nine]

Originally Posted by Calum

....................................

Play nice you two.

always Cal

[Calum]

=P

Good poem by the way.

[cestoz]

i like they free verse thingy very much, made me smile, i dont know which of you wrote it, but, its really good!

[Nine]

Originally Posted by cestoz

i like they free verse thingy very much, made me smile, i dont know which of you wrote it, but, its really good!

Thanks! It was Isley not me
x

[Spamlet]

Originally Posted by Isley

but i do like him soooooooooo much

I AM NOT A POETRY MACHINE

and i am not that good

You are correct, Isley. You are definitely not a poetry machine and you are definitely not that good.

Instead you are, on the sole basis of your sonnet and free verse one of the most preternaturally gifted young writers of verse, past, present and future that I will ever have had the pleasure to read. I'm sorry, but that's just not nearly enough. The rest of the world needs to hear you now.

I was just lamenting here the other day about how much terrible poetry there is on the internet and had pretty much lost all hope that this generation could produce anyone with a level of raw talent to rival the immortal writers of centuries past. I can now rest secure in the knowledge that a successor has emerged.

Don't you dare ever stop writing poetry as long as you breathe. You possess something inside which is so rare, effortless and graceful it could change the face of the entire artform given enough nurturing and exposure.

"Something too much of this!"*

I'm in complete awe of your best lines. And while I disagree that what you did with "9 Crimes" is theoretically a less valid art (after all look at Lisa's chilling reworking of "Silent Night") there's definitely a half assed feeling to this piece: the real flashes of genius in it are cheapened by what Rob rightly termed the obvious rhymes.

Surely you recognize that saddling us with an already pedestrian line like "But I killed that some time ago" (which clunks automatically from the abscence of at least two syllables contained in the adjacent lyrics as does the following atrocious "crow" one) is so ill conceived/executed on several levels that it nearly derails the whole piece's dazzling first four line momentum.

Apart from meter, here's perhaps the most glaring problem: try as you might have meant "nursing" to be taken in the sense of 'bringing a broken winged creature back to health' saying you were left nursing your lover's crow when he flew makes it sound as though you've mated with a falcon and given birth to aviary offspring and it's further confused by the beak factor (ouch).

Secondly, the idea contained in these two lines does not logically follow anything you've established and are about to return to unless you said something like I thought I'd killed that long ago and started the chorus with but it keeps returning the reader would be carried along your train of thought much easier. For the love of God, please write two last lines for that stanza which are worthy of the opening image that forced us to sit up and take notice of a skilled wordsmith.

I'm afraid that in general the first chorus is the weakest overall section. Never thought I'd go so far as to agree with rob but I'm afraid with a section as in trouble as this one is you might want to scrap just about the whole thing because we've all seen that you can do better.

The second chorus is strong overall but still has two weak lines "skinless", "fire" but again, those same rhymes could easily still be used: they just have to have a real relationship instead of existing because they happen to rhyme. Something like: rendered skinless/ as my feet trip across coals afire (again, just a quick example).

My personal favorite sequence is probably the first part of the second to last stanza (using "slipping" to substitute "sleeping" to ironically counter "days awake" is highly sophisticated wordplay) and the "lips" stuff which follows is apt for how its succinctly worded style perfectly matches the imagery it defines. I'd congratulate you most on the "devour" construction had its most brilliant aspect didn't appear to be arrived at so accidentally. If that was intentional then I was right to earlier award you genius status. You'll be sure to explain it to me rather than the other way around and show everyone else what so clearly sets you above. Wow, was that part astonishing.

Unfortunately the last stanza is among your most grievous examples of autopilot rhyme which sadly robs us of the powerful ending everyone hopes for and expects from any empathetic resolution.

Remember almost anybody can rhyme the greatness of any poet is measured by how skillfull they are with what goes in between those two designated "connected" pairs of words.

*Name that play!

[beatleboogie]

Originally Posted by Spamlet

Apart from meter, here's perhaps the most glaring problem: try as you might have meant "nursing" to be taken in the sense of 'bringing a broken winged creature back to health' saying you were left nursing your lover's crow when he flew makes it sound as though you've mated with a falcon and given birth to aviary offspring and it's further confused by the beak factor (ouch).

LOL, that made me laugh!

Spamlet, I don't know whether to like or dislike the way you analyze every little word in a lyric or poem. It's very interesting to read your intelligent replies, but it also makes me want to never write another lyric...

1. Because I want to be as good as this...just write, and make sure at the same time that everything fits and gives the reader/listener that unexpected expectedness in the end.
2. Because I don't want to be good like this at all...if I want to write the simplest little love-song, as personal as can be, with obvious rhymes (intentionally or not), I want to do so, without having some highly skilled analyzer ripping me a new one, thinking I can't write better. Hahaha

I think a lot of times the music justifies a "simple" lyric, though.
I bet you could read hundreds of lyrics by renowned composers and think it was crap if you never heard the song, not to mention if you didn't know who wrote it. (?)
But along with the melody and moods of a song it still becomes excellent, even genious.

It seems Damien doesn't really know a lot of times where the hell "that song" came from...it just cums. I've experienced it and it's an amazing feeling afterwards.
There are, obviously, extreme creative forces wobbling around in a mind that writes such brilliant masterpieces as Damien does. To me it seems he has the perfect mix of education and wobbly magic pouring out of him.

There are brilliant guitar-players out there, so extremly skilled in all genres. They know and can do everything by the book, by the rules, they can improvise for sure, play anything anyone else made - but they can't write a good song for the life of them. It becomes static, by the book, lifeless AND/BUT correct!

And then there are of course thousands that are just as skilled but still can write a good song. (John Petrucci/ Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater for example - in my humble opinion)

I don't know anymore where I was going with this, but I'm pretty sure you know, Spamlet. Haha

I have to continue doing what I do and read (and live) as much as possible so that I get skilled subconsciously. I think that's the way magic happens.
I'm afraid of too much tought skills, although I could surely take a few years more on the schoolbench and it would do nothing but improve my writing, I'm sure.

I'd like it if you read one or two of my lyrics - and feel free to gut me open.
I just read "The story of O" - and feel like a little self-hurting.

Let me know if you're up for it?

[Timeé]

Originally Posted by Spamlet

*Name that play!

Hamlet - Act III Scene II ?

[Nine]

wow Spammy that was a reply and a half.
I'll tell Isley to get on here and have a read. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

And yours also beatle
Nine

[Spamlet]

Originally Posted by Timeé

Hamlet - Act III Scene II ?

And I will wear him in my 's , aye, in my of s, as I do thee...


Beatle,

Sure. It's your funeral!

[Calum]

That does it, i can't be bothered to resurrect the poetry thread, so i'll make a new one.

[Isley]

Originally Posted by Spamlet

You are correct, Isley. You are definitely not a poetry machine and you are definitely not that good.

Instead you are, on the sole basis of your sonnet and free verse one of the most preternaturally gifted young writers of verse, past, present and future that I will ever have had the pleasure to read. I'm sorry, but that's just not nearly enough. The rest of the world needs to hear you now.

I was just lamenting here the other day about how much terrible poetry there is on the internet and had pretty much lost all hope that this generation could produce anyone with a level of raw talent to rival the immortal writers of centuries past. I can now rest secure in the knowledge that a successor has emerged.

Don't you dare ever stop writing poetry as long as you breathe. You possess something inside which is so rare, effortless and graceful it could change the face of the entire artform given enough nurturing and exposure.

"Something too much of this!"*

I'm in complete awe of your best lines. And while I disagree that what you did with "9 Crimes" is theoretically a less valid art (after all look at Lisa's chilling reworking of "Silent Night") there's definitely a half assed feeling to this piece: the real flashes of genius in it are cheapened by what Rob rightly termed the obvious rhymes.

Surely you recognize that saddling us with an already pedestrian line like "But I killed that some time ago" (which clunks automatically from the abscence of at least two syllables contained in the adjacent lyrics as does the following atrocious "crow" one) is so ill conceived/executed on several levels that it nearly derails the whole piece's dazzling first four line momentum.

Apart from meter, here's perhaps the most glaring problem: try as you might have meant "nursing" to be taken in the sense of 'bringing a broken winged creature back to health' saying you were left nursing your lover's crow when he flew makes it sound as though you've mated with a falcon and given birth to aviary offspring and it's further confused by the beak factor (ouch).

Secondly, the idea contained in these two lines does not logically follow anything you've established and are about to return to unless you said something like I thought I'd killed that long ago and started the chorus with but it keeps returning the reader would be carried along your train of thought much easier. For the love of God, please write two last lines for that stanza which are worthy of the opening image that forced us to sit up and take notice of a skilled wordsmith.

I'm afraid that in general the first chorus is the weakest overall section. Never thought I'd go so far as to agree with rob but I'm afraid with a section as in trouble as this one is you might want to scrap just about the whole thing because we've all seen that you can do better.

The second chorus is strong overall but still has two weak lines "skinless", "fire" but again, those same rhymes could easily still be used: they just have to have a real relationship instead of existing because they happen to rhyme. Something like: rendered skinless/ as my feet trip across coals afire (again, just a quick example).

My personal favorite sequence is probably the first part of the second to last stanza (using "slipping" to substitute "sleeping" to ironically counter "days awake" is highly sophisticated wordplay) and the "lips" stuff which follows is apt for how its succinctly worded style perfectly matches the imagery it defines. I'd congratulate you most on the "devour" construction had its most brilliant aspect didn't appear to be arrived at so accidentally. If that was intentional then I was right to earlier award you genius status. You'll be sure to explain it to me rather than the other way around and show everyone else what so clearly sets you above. Wow, was that part astonishing.

Unfortunately the last stanza is among your most grievous examples of autopilot rhyme which sadly robs us of the powerful ending everyone hopes for and expects from any empathetic resolution.

Remember almost anybody can rhyme the greatness of any poet is measured by how skillfull they are with what goes in between those two designated "connected" pairs of words.

*Name that play!

good, God, I feel as if I've eaten my own innards.

not for any sad reason though, only that my emotions were thrust back and forth across the room with each sentence of that essay-like reply, jubilant one minute and suicidal the next.

I feel the effort and lavish compliments you have thrust upon me deserve a reply, so here it is, similar in length, with a naturally more defensive tone.

I want to stress that, while I am not entirely unhappy with the piece, I never wrote it to be read by "the masses" as it has been - this was primarily an exercise, born from the deep personal response to that particular damien song, and as a consequence while I found your feedback to be invaluable, I doubt it will lead to a significant change in the piece, simply because it was intended to be a purely emotional response and as such a "second draft" would shatter that philosophy entirely.

Also, in the same line of reasoning, I choose to justify the "immature" rhyming of the last stanza in terms of damien's own artistic brilliance (which I could never hope to challenge I'm sure) As his own structure - rhyming and metre - was in fact "stolen" for this, my own work (ie SMALL STOLEN SONG - see what I did there? Me so cleva) I had no other choice, or rather it was my conscious choice to follow his patterns in this - this resulted in the rhyme scheme you see before you in my humble scribblings. therefore, I'm not sure it's a valid criticism to call my chosen metre a "glaring problem", as it was essentially out of my control - but perhaps you did not realize that. I'd like to think the simplicity here works with the tune it's set to, although perhaps, as I'd feared, it doesn't translate without it being sung.

I thank you muchly for your kind words about my own work, I was so grateful for that generosity - I am now fearful, however, that I cannot live up to it!

for your benefit, I thought I'd offer some insight into that line "nursing your crow" which you questioned. I am sure with your inherent intelligence you picked up on the running bird imagery in the poem - and this is for a reason. The man who this is written for/about is called Callum (by the way "Calum" you scared the **** out of me - I thought it was him! then I found out you were fifteen - thank God. I am also told you're an excellent writer?) anyway, Callum in -I think- Gaelic means dove, and as such when Callum flies away from me here he leaves me with the worst parts of himself to treasure, his betrayal, his callousness, and worst of all his silence, forcing me into my own (cue the later lips and eating imagery) to represent this, I thought a crow, being a visual representation of the ultimate antithesis of Callum's character, from which I try to recover closure, was appropriate. But what do I know, it's only my life, whatever. also, you are the first reader (including many friends outside eskimo friends) who has responded to the "nursing" as a focus on the action involving my breasts. how interesting. not at all expected, however perhaps my being a women lends the work to obvious feminist interpretations and the suckling image just came to you.

I'd be interested in reading some of your own work, you sound like you're poetry would be very deep and I could really sink my teeth into it - analysis is obviously something you treasure and I wonder how it would affect a writer when he is writing for his reader rather than for himself, as I do. I look forward to discovering some vast differences in style.

I have never felt this full of feedback about anything before, and I'm falling in love with eskimo friends because of it - what is this talk of a poetry thread? BRING IT BACK! we can all submit and and pounce on each other and then have cake afterwards. cheesecake. preferably.

With so much love,

Isley x

[Calum]

Who says i'm not him..... >.> <.<
No worries really, you're safe! Yeah, both spellings mean dove - in fact, Callum is a variation on Calum, and Calum came first i'll have you know! =P
And bah, i do write, not as much as i have done, but i'm don't see myself as having any kind of special talent at all. Unlike your free verse and sonnet, which were great; do go on with them.

[Nine]

Originally Posted by Calum

but i'm don't see myself as having any kind of special talent at all.

Oi you - don't talk such trollope. You are very very good, cos I say so.

[Isley]

*chants and punches the air*

SHARE YOUR STUFF!
SHARE YOUR STUFF!
SHARE YOUR STUFF!

pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase

x

[robmcgrail]

Youve been getting a hell of alot of good feedback i see.

I just finished writing a song.

Theres a rough recording of it at www.soundclick.com/robmcgrail

Its called Shelf

Angels feel they should own me
The devil tells the demons to watch out for me
But I'm no more
Than the man before me
Maybe a little more lonely
But thats all

They didn't ask questions
Well not the right kind
You didnt see this coming, Hell
You musta been blind
You musta been blind

Expectation lays heavy on my shelf
Frustration is
Self-loathing of self
If only i could do with a little help
If only i could use a little help

They didn't ask questions
Well not the right kind
You didnt see this coming, Hell
You musta been blind
Am i caught between tides

Depression lays down on my shelf
Happy is
In company of self
If only i could be someone else
If only i could use a little help