My Promise

[quietreflections]

I’m not really sure why, but I thought I’d post this in the forum. I’m not sure if it’s apt but I’d like to share it with everyone. It’s something I just had the urge to write. Thanks….

It’s strange what a beautiful piece of music can do to you. It’s 12.15am, I’m lying here in the dark, listening to my mp3 player and I’ve been thinking. Just a few short months ago, a dear friend committed suicide. Why did you do it man? It just wasn’t worth it. I idolised you. I thought you had everything. You were more than I’ll ever be. I miss you. I guess these words are for you Vin.

I want to talk about my life and how it seems so completely out of control at the moment. I’m 21, living at home with my parents and working a job I hate. I feel pathetic. I’ve just dropped out of college. Again. Why can’t I just settle down to something. I’ve realised I made a mistake when I first dropped out of college. I was on the right track. I was studying English. That was me. Yet for some reason, I dropped out. I’ve done some pretty amazing things over the last few years and I wouldn’t change them for the world. Still something doesn’t feel right. I feel like I sacrificed something.

The biggest mistake I made, was trying to be someone I’m not. I thought I was in love and that she’d love me back if I just changed. Man, she is so beautiful. I would give anything just to kiss her. But I was stupid. I gave up my music because she didn’t like it. I decided to go back to college and study engineering because I thought she might fall in love with me if I became a successful, rich engineer. I was a prick to my best friend because of her. He saw her for what she is and he told me so. I didn’t believe him. I got angry. For ten years now, he’s been the one who is always there for me. Why didn’t I realise? Why did I let it happen? I’m an idiot. I see it now.

So now I want to promise you something. I now know what makes me happy. I don’t want to be a millionaire. I don’t live and die for money. That’s not me. I live for those rare moments that make your heart flutter: hearing a beautiful piece of music; reading a fantastic piece of literature; being out in the sea with my surfboard; travelling to wonderful, exotic places; and falling in love for real. I will play my music. I will feel the joy it brings to my heart. I’m going to overcome my insecurities so I don’t need her opinion to validate me. I will be myself.

Vin, I will make sure that when I see you again, you’ll be proud of me and the life I’ve lived in your honour. I miss you man. I wish it didn’t need to have been this way.

I'm sorry this drags on for so long. I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks,
Kevin

[Gatsby]

nicely put. it seems you have begun to move on with your life and thats the first step in the right direction.

your post reminded me of desiderata by max Ehrmann. Its something that i try to live by and gives hope

Desiderata
Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

[Wheels]

Good luck Kevin. Remember that Damien found success as soon as he stopped trying to find it. He used to tell a story about cows... that if you go into a field of cows and walk towards them they run away, but if you lie down in the field they all come and gather round you. I don't know if that is true, but it's an interesting metaphor.

[flyaway]

I just found that poem this morning written on a notecard in my lounge and have no clue how it got there, but it is beautiful and it is a good mantra to have!
Another good portion of advice is Polonius' soliloquy in Hamlet, I found it rather influential. I can't find the quote right now but I'll track it down for you when my internet is a little faster.

[Beevers_uk]

Originally Posted by Wheels

Good luck Kevin. Remember that Damien found success as soon as he stopped trying to find it. He used to tell a story about cows... that if you go into a field of cows and walk towards them they run away, but if you lie down in the field they all come and gather round you. I don't know if that is true, but it's an interesting metaphor.

Its true wheels, i think its cause they are curious!

[quietreflections]

I just wanna say thanks to you all for taking the time to read my post and leaving a comment. It really did help me to see all of your advice. And i really appreciate that poem. I've never seen it before but from now on, it won't be far from my heart.

We have a great community here. Very supportive. And i'm so glad i found it.

Thanks.

[flyaway]

Eskimo's are a friendly bunch, like! Hope you're holding up ok!