Billy Connolly Quotes

daol20 · 03-01-2004, 05:32 PM

Observations by Billy Connolly

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". f**king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No t**ser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f**king Mct**ser.
14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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rocks_David · 03-01-2004, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daol20

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

So guilty. [img]smileys/smiley11.gif[/img]

marymac · 03-02-2004, 06:11 AM

I like the Dublin buses rant on the DVD...

I spend most of every trip to Dublin in much the same situation.

*not quite a quote*

'So you're standin' in the island bit in the middle, right, and the bloody things are coming whoosh this way and that way and the guy beside you turns round and goes 'I've been here six weeks!'. And are they trying to kill every f**kingpedestrian in the city or something?...'

Tatevik · 03-02-2004, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daol20

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I love that one! Its so true! Ah billy connolly... f**kin legendEdited by: Tatevik

DaveG · 03-02-2004, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marymac

I like the Dublin buses rant on the DVD...

I spend most of every trip to Dublin in much the same situation.

*not quite a quote*

'So you're standin' in the island bit in the middle, right, and the bloody things are coming whoosh this way and that way and the guy beside you turns round and goes 'I've been here six weeks!'. And are they trying to kill every f**king pedestrian in the city or something?...'

I don't mean any offence...but I think that you shouldn't have mentioned that, it is really in bad taste

daol20 · 03-02-2004, 10:48 AM

Yeah, marymac i think under the circumstances that you've been a bit disrespectfull.

Im sure you werent thinking.

</font>Edited by: daol20

loucha · 03-02-2004, 03:22 PM

i don't think i got marymac's joke...can some one explain so i can see why its direspectful?

billy connolly does a skit about planes and made me laugh when saying how the pilot explains that if in case of an emergency place your head to your knees...(and so on) and billy says

"yeah what he really means is that in the case of an emergency,were gonna go into the ground like a f**kin' dart"

really made me laugh.

we got all his world tour of scotland vid for my dad (who's scottish) and some other live vids, he's truly excellent.

i hope i didn't offend anyone by mine too, sorry if so.

Gatsby · 03-02-2004, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loucha

i don't think i got marymac's joke...can some one explain so i can see why its direspectful?

there was a recent bus disaster in ireland where 5 people were killed... so its a bit of a bad joke to pull out[img]smileys/smiley6.gif[/img]

hippy shakes · 03-03-2004, 03:39 AM

Bill Hicks... now there was a funny bloke. Shame he's not around anymore.

"How do you know the Iraqi's have fantastic weapons?"

"Eeeeh.... we checked the receipt"

loucha · 03-03-2004, 05:37 AM

thanks jeweller, now i understand.

im sure marymac didn't mean any offence.

lee evans...live at wembley...fantastic!

all the bits about the wife and him had me in tears!!!

marymac · 03-03-2004, 06:25 AM

Oh hell. Sorry. Should have remembered that. Sorry. Sorrysorrysorry.

Enoch · 03-03-2004, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hippy shakes

Bill Hicks... now there was a funny bloke. Shame he's not around anymore.

"How do you know the Iraqi's have fantastic weapons?"

"Eeeeh.... we checked the receipt"

Ah, Bill Hicks is one of my heroes, my favorite observation of his:

If people on acid think they can fly then why don't they take off from the f**king ground rather that jumping from buildings - you don't see ducks lining up for elevators when they migrate in the winter!

loucha · 03-05-2004, 12:59 PM

ha!!!!!!! enoch thats piss!!!

03-01-2004, 05:32 PM	#1
daol20 Eskimo irRegular Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Southern Yemen Posts: 2,091	Observations by Billy Connolly 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fk is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". fking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fk would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fking floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the fk?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fking does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? 10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots? 11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fking Mct**ser. 14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. </font> __________________ You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain Saying the love that we had was just selfish and sad To see you now with him is just making me mad Oh so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can an I will stand here and burn in my skin

03-02-2004, 10:48 AM	#6
daol20 Eskimo irRegular Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Southern Yemen Posts: 2,091	Yeah, marymac i think under the circumstances that you've been a bit disrespectfull. Im sure you werent thinking. </font>Edited by: daol20 __________________ You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain Saying the love that we had was just selfish and sad To see you now with him is just making me mad Oh so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can an I will stand here and burn in my skin

03-02-2004, 03:22 PM	#7
loucha Eskimo Regular Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 471	i don't think i got marymac's joke...can some one explain so i can see why its direspectful? billy connolly does a skit about planes and made me laugh when saying how the pilot explains that if in case of an emergency place your head to your knees...(and so on) and billy says "yeah what he really means is that in the case of an emergency,were gonna go into the ground like a f**kin' dart" really made me laugh. we got all his world tour of scotland vid for my dad (who's scottish) and some other live vids, he's truly excellent. i hope i didn't offend anyone by mine too, sorry if so. __________________ Think that the circus is friendly? Its more like a mutual interest in a nose bleed, think again..

03-03-2004, 05:37 AM	#10
loucha Eskimo Regular Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 471	thanks jeweller, now i understand. im sure marymac didn't mean any offence. lee evans...live at wembley...fantastic! all the bits about the wife and him had me in tears!!! __________________ Think that the circus is friendly? Its more like a mutual interest in a nose bleed, think again..

03-05-2004, 12:59 PM	#13
loucha Eskimo Regular Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 471	ha!!!!!!! enoch thats piss!!! __________________ Think that the circus is friendly? Its more like a mutual interest in a nose bleed, think again..

03-02-2004, 06:11 AM	#3
marymac Eskimo Regular Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 236	I like the Dublin buses rant on the DVD... I spend most of every trip to Dublin in much the same situation. not quite a quote 'So you're standin' in the island bit in the middle, right, and the bloody things are coming whoosh this way and that way and the guy beside you turns round and goes 'I've been here six weeks!'. And are they trying to kill every f**kingpedestrian in the city or something?...'

03-03-2004, 03:39 AM	#9
hippy shakes Eskimo Friend Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 67	Bill Hicks... now there was a funny bloke. Shame he's not around anymore. "How do you know the Iraqi's have fantastic weapons?" "Eeeeh.... we checked the receipt"

03-03-2004, 06:25 AM	#11
marymac Eskimo Regular Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 236	Oh hell. Sorry. Should have remembered that. Sorry. Sorrysorrysorry.