Foolish - Demo version

robmcgrail · 10-29-2006, 12:59 AM

Hey, ive been away writing a fair bit of new material, i've set up a little home studio, and im looking for other musicians to play cello, violin, piano etc on a few tracks. I have a female vocalist working on the EP with me. So look out for news on that, ill put it online when its done. But could be a while yet.

Anyway, heres a taster of whats going to be on it. The recording is just a demo one, so, imagen it with more depth and feeling. And your closer to how it will sound.

Heres the lyrics (Songs on my soundclick - www.soundclick.com/robmcgrail)

Foolish

I'm losing here
This must end
The penguin stories
Are lost in time

I'm left standing
Too close to the beast
If I step too far
Will you come back?

Fool is the word
She would use
Foolish the man
She would abuse

Fool made the beast
The most of me
Foolish were you
To set it free

I'm changing dear
This must end
The creature within
Must never come back

Stone me to the ground
And burry me dear
Stone me to the ground
And burry me here

I'm losing dear
This must end
The creature within
Dies, dies, dies
The creature within
Takes over

The creature within
Dies, dies, dies

Any musicians willing to offer there help just message me. Cheers.

Dean C · 10-29-2006, 06:00 PM

Where to begin without sounding errm rude...

1) Songs are meant to rhyme, and don't tell me they're not.
2) Your voice is very weak and almost out of tune in most parts
3) Guitar is quite nice

PenguinBoy · 10-29-2006, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dean C

Where to begin without sounding errm rude...

1) Songs are meant to rhyme, and don't tell me they're not.
2) Your voice is very weak and almost out of tune in most parts
3) Guitar is quite nice

Since WHEN are songs meant to rhyme? It rhymes in pleanty of places anyhooo.

And how about saying something like i think your vocals are something that will make your music more successful if you better it.

ste_swann · 10-29-2006, 07:27 PM

I think the lyrics are fantastic, really I do.

But besides the fact that I cannot hear the song til the end, I have to say I find the music a little too much flat.

robmcgrail · 10-29-2006, 07:34 PM

Well, as i said, this is only a first demo. so yeah it does sound quite flat. I dont claim to be able to sing, so i accept that. But dude. Rhyming songs? what are you 4? do you still like all your nursery rhymes? Your on a damien rice forum, do all his siongs rhyme? sorry if i dont ever listen to any opinions you may have, but you dont seem to have any idea what your talking about.

The rest of you, thanks for your comments.

Timeé · 10-30-2006, 12:59 PM

what guitar are you using there?! the voice aint bad just open it up a little more.

Dean C · 10-30-2006, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robmcgrail

Well, as i said, this is only a first demo. so yeah it does sound quite flat. I dont claim to be able to sing, so i accept that. But dude. Rhyming songs? what are you 4? do you still like all your nursery rhymes? Your on a damien rice forum, do all his siongs rhyme? sorry if i dont ever listen to any opinions you may have, but you dont seem to have any idea what your talking about.

The rest of you, thanks for your comments.

Well excuse me for giving an honest opinion. The words are nice, but I stand by statement that lyrics to a song should rhyme. Else that's just poetry over music...

Name me one globally famous song that didn't rhyme...

ste_swann · 10-30-2006, 03:37 PM

Sorry but to me a song is poetry over music...and some parts of this song rhyme anyway

robmcgrail · 10-30-2006, 05:22 PM

Dean. your an idiot. Ok a globaly famous song. How about Billie jean by Jako, id say thats pretty famous. Agreed?

Billy jean is not my lover
Shes just some girl
Who says i am the one.

LOOK AT ALL THAT RHYME!!!! hmmm....

Dean C · 10-31-2006, 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robmcgrail

Dean. your an idiot. Ok a globaly famous song. How about Billie jean by Jako, id say thats pretty famous. Agreed?

Billy jean is not my lover
Shes just some girl
Who says i am the one.

LOOK AT ALL THAT RHYME!!!! hmmm....

But the kid is not my son. If you're going to resort to insults, then how about you get your facts straight and quote the lyrics of a song that proves your point....

FlexCabana · 10-31-2006, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robmcgrail

Dean. your an idiot. Ok a globaly famous song. How about Billie jean by Jako, id say thats pretty famous. Agreed?

Billy jean is not my lover
Shes just some girl
Who says i am the one.

LOOK AT ALL THAT RHYME!!!! hmmm....

dude that was hysterical

FlexCabana · 10-31-2006, 05:42 AM

rob did u record the vocals and the guitar on one track?? that might be why ur guitar is draining out the vocals. if thats the case (which im not sure if it is or not), record them on seperate tracks, put them together and adjust the vocal volume. also, u can hear in ur voice a lack of confidence. not as an insult towards u, but maybe if u sing with a little more confidence, ur voice wont seem so shaky or hesitant. u know what i mean? good luck and keep rockin.

robmcgrail · 10-31-2006, 11:57 AM

WTF!! since when has one rhymed with son. son is pronounced SUN and sun does not rhyme with one.

Closing_Doors · 10-31-2006, 12:33 PM

^^ Yeah it does?!

purebloom · 10-31-2006, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robmcgrail

WTF!! since when has one rhymed with son. son is pronounced SUN and sun does not rhyme with one.

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Uh... are we talking a different language than English? Cause last time I checked I'm pretty sure sun and/or son and one do in fact rhyme. I may be wrong.... well actually, nope... there is absolutely no way I'm wrong.

But I'm pretty sure you were just being facetious and I missed it.

robmcgrail · 10-31-2006, 03:29 PM

They do not rhyme. sun and wun would rhyme. But wun is not a word. one is not pronouced wun. Nor is son pronouced... son. it is pronounced sun. The word one and son end with different sounds, and therefore cannot rhyme.

if you pronouced the words incorrectly, then yes you could force them to rhyme, in a half rhyme. Which is not technically a rhyme. That would be using poetic licence.

Niko · 10-31-2006, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dean C

Else that's just poetry over music...

JUST poetry over music? Poetry - at least good poetry - is far harder to write than song lyrics, so in my opinion comparing lyrics to poetry is a pretty amazing compliment.

And anyway, where is this supposed rule that states song lyrics need to rhyme? Are there also provisos on how regular this rhyme scheme must be?

Song lyrics are a form of art. Beyond the strictures of the form, there are no laws or rules in art. That's the beauty of it.

Nine · 10-31-2006, 03:42 PM

ok, son and one are meant to rhyme in this song, but I don't agree that a song has to rhyme. It can rhyme, but it doesn't need to. There are plently of songs that don't, far more do rhyme, but there's no law that states a song isn't a song if it doesn't rhyme.

And anyway, parts of this song do rhyme.
probably about the same amount as this verse:

i gave me away
i could have knocked of the evening
but i lonelily landed my warmth in her hand
in a way
i lost all i believed in
and i've never found my self so alone
you let me down

rhymes a bit, but not all the time.
alone and hand? you can't say they rhyme.

Or how about this:

Moody Mooday
It's got me
Moody Mooday
It's got me

mmhmm.

Or maybe even, my best example yet:

Cold, cold water
surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord can you hear me now
Or am I Lost?

No-one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord can you hear me now
Or am I Lost?

Oh don't you know I love you
And I always have
Hellelujah
Will you come

Dude now come on, not a single rhyme in the whole of cold water. Point proven, I think.

Toodles x

Niko · 10-31-2006, 03:55 PM

Heh, I was gonna do that with the first verse of Eskimo, but I figured someone else would come along with some suitable examples sooner or later! Good work, Nine! (I feel like I'm using your codename/number when I say that. You're not a secret agent, are you?)

Nine · 10-31-2006, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niko

Heh, I was gonna do that with the first verse of Eskimo, but I figured someone else would come along with some suitable examples sooner or later! Good work, Nine! (I feel like I'm using your codename/number when I say that. You're not a secret agent, are you?)

I might be............

robmcgrail · 10-31-2006, 11:09 PM

anyway. cheers for sorting out the whole songs dont have to rhyme. Because dean, in saying that. You become a hypocrite in using a damien rice fan site forum, when as one of the worlds best songwriters of the last few years has many songs where he does no use rhyme.

Go read a nursery rhyme.

Now, canwe turn the focus back onto my Demo.

Nine · 11-01-2006, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robmcgrail

anyway. cheers for sorting out the whole songs dont have to rhyme. Because dean, in saying that. You become a hypocrite in using a damien rice fan site forum, when as one of the worlds best songwriters of the last few years has many songs where he does no use rhyme.

Go read a nursery rhyme.

Now, canwe turn the focus back onto my Demo.

Hey Rob, yes - back to the demo.

I absolutely adore the lyrics, and the guitar is great - but I think you could have maybe a bit more variation in the melody and a bit more power in the vocals in parts. But alltogether, good job

x

Closing_Doors · 11-01-2006, 09:54 AM

I still don't see how one and son don't rhyme? Unless I've been pronouncing "one" wrong all my life, which I doubt...

I'd agree that lyrics don't neccesarily have to rhyme but they should have some sort of flow (at least in the way they are sung). Case in point: Karma Police by Radiohead

Karma police
arrest this man,
he talks in maths,
he buzzes like a fridge,
he's like a detuned radio.

Karma police
arrest this girl,
her Hitler hairdo
is making me feel ill
and we have crashed her party.

As for the demo itself, it didn't do anything for me unfortunately. I think you're letting yourself down with the vocals. A few singing lessons wouldn't go astray.

robmcgrail · 11-01-2006, 01:41 PM

I know this is weak at the moment. It is only a demo, so it only holds the basic melody and first recording of vocals. When i go to record it proply it will contain more intruments adding more depth and variation. And i will do the vocals with more feelings and a female vocalist on aswell.

Cheers.

10-29-2006, 12:59 AM	#1
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	Foolish - Demo version - Let me know what you think Hey, ive been away writing a fair bit of new material, i've set up a little home studio, and im looking for other musicians to play cello, violin, piano etc on a few tracks. I have a female vocalist working on the EP with me. So look out for news on that, ill put it online when its done. But could be a while yet. Anyway, heres a taster of whats going to be on it. The recording is just a demo one, so, imagen it with more depth and feeling. And your closer to how it will sound. Heres the lyrics (Songs on my soundclick - www.soundclick.com/robmcgrail) Foolish I'm losing here This must end The penguin stories Are lost in time I'm left standing Too close to the beast If I step too far Will you come back? Fool is the word She would use Foolish the man She would abuse Fool made the beast The most of me Foolish were you To set it free I'm changing dear This must end The creature within Must never come back Stone me to the ground And burry me dear Stone me to the ground And burry me here I'm losing dear This must end The creature within Dies, dies, dies The creature within Takes over The creature within Dies, dies, dies Any musicians willing to offer there help just message me. Cheers. Last edited by robmcgrail; 10-29-2006 at 02:07 PM.

10-30-2006, 12:59 PM	#6
Timeé Intello Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Co. Donegal, Ireland. Posts: 2,435	what guitar are you using there?! the voice aint bad just open it up a little more. __________________ Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did Got what I paid for now See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow A couple of bucks from you?

10-31-2006, 11:57 AM	#13
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	WTF!! since when has one rhymed with son. son is pronounced SUN and sun does not rhyme with one. Last edited by robmcgrail; 10-31-2006 at 12:00 PM.

10-31-2006, 12:33 PM	#14
Closing_Doors Hysterical & Useless Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 1,329	^^ Yeah it does?! __________________ Come clean, come good, repeat with me the punch line 'Just like blood' when those at the back rush forward to say how a little love goes a long long long way. -- Simon Armitage

10-31-2006, 03:55 PM	#19
Niko Eskimo Regular Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 419	Heh, I was gonna do that with the first verse of Eskimo, but I figured someone else would come along with some suitable examples sooner or later! Good work, Nine! (I feel like I'm using your codename/number when I say that. You're not a secret agent, are you?) __________________ Hush child, I'm eating a Snickers

10-29-2006, 06:00 PM	#2
Dean C Eskimo Regular Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 1,058	Where to begin without sounding errm rude... 1) Songs are meant to rhyme, and don't tell me they're not. 2) Your voice is very weak and almost out of tune in most parts 3) Guitar is quite nice

10-29-2006, 07:27 PM	#4
ste_swann Stupidest Eskimo Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Como, Italy Posts: 371	I think the lyrics are fantastic, really I do. But besides the fact that I cannot hear the song til the end, I have to say I find the music a little too much flat.

10-29-2006, 07:34 PM	#5
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	Well, as i said, this is only a first demo. so yeah it does sound quite flat. I dont claim to be able to sing, so i accept that. But dude. Rhyming songs? what are you 4? do you still like all your nursery rhymes? Your on a damien rice forum, do all his siongs rhyme? sorry if i dont ever listen to any opinions you may have, but you dont seem to have any idea what your talking about. The rest of you, thanks for your comments.

10-30-2006, 03:37 PM	#8
ste_swann Stupidest Eskimo Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Como, Italy Posts: 371	Sorry but to me a song is poetry over music...and some parts of this song rhyme anyway

10-30-2006, 05:22 PM	#9
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	Dean. your an idiot. Ok a globaly famous song. How about Billie jean by Jako, id say thats pretty famous. Agreed? Billy jean is not my lover Shes just some girl Who says i am the one. LOOK AT ALL THAT RHYME!!!! hmmm....

10-31-2006, 05:42 AM	#12
FlexCabana Damn Handsome Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: NY- greatest city ever Posts: 77	rob did u record the vocals and the guitar on one track?? that might be why ur guitar is draining out the vocals. if thats the case (which im not sure if it is or not), record them on seperate tracks, put them together and adjust the vocal volume. also, u can hear in ur voice a lack of confidence. not as an insult towards u, but maybe if u sing with a little more confidence, ur voice wont seem so shaky or hesitant. u know what i mean? good luck and keep rockin.

10-31-2006, 03:29 PM	#16
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	They do not rhyme. sun and wun would rhyme. But wun is not a word. one is not pronouced wun. Nor is son pronouced... son. it is pronounced sun. The word one and son end with different sounds, and therefore cannot rhyme. if you pronouced the words incorrectly, then yes you could force them to rhyme, in a half rhyme. Which is not technically a rhyme. That would be using poetic licence.

10-31-2006, 03:42 PM	#18
Nine Inuit Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: UK Posts: 2,458	ok, son and one are meant to rhyme in this song, but I don't agree that a song has to rhyme. It can rhyme, but it doesn't need to. There are plently of songs that don't, far more do rhyme, but there's no law that states a song isn't a song if it doesn't rhyme. And anyway, parts of this song do rhyme. probably about the same amount as this verse: i gave me away i could have knocked of the evening but i lonelily landed my warmth in her hand in a way i lost all i believed in and i've never found my self so alone you let me down rhymes a bit, but not all the time. alone and hand? you can't say they rhyme. Or how about this: Moody Mooday It's got me Moody Mooday It's got me mmhmm. Or maybe even, my best example yet: Cold, cold water surrounds me now And all I've got is your hand Lord can you hear me now Or am I Lost? No-one's daughter Allow me that And I can't let go of your hand Lord can you hear me now Or am I Lost? Oh don't you know I love you And I always have Hellelujah Will you come Dude now come on, not a single rhyme in the whole of cold water. Point proven, I think. Toodles x

10-31-2006, 11:09 PM	#21
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	anyway. cheers for sorting out the whole songs dont have to rhyme. Because dean, in saying that. You become a hypocrite in using a damien rice fan site forum, when as one of the worlds best songwriters of the last few years has many songs where he does no use rhyme. Go read a nursery rhyme. Now, canwe turn the focus back onto my Demo.

11-01-2006, 09:54 AM	#23
Closing_Doors Hysterical & Useless Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 1,329	I still don't see how one and son don't rhyme? Unless I've been pronouncing "one" wrong all my life, which I doubt... I'd agree that lyrics don't neccesarily have to rhyme but they should have some sort of flow (at least in the way they are sung). Case in point: Karma Police by Radiohead Karma police arrest this man, he talks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge, he's like a detuned radio. Karma police arrest this girl, her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill and we have crashed her party. As for the demo itself, it didn't do anything for me unfortunately. I think you're letting yourself down with the vocals. A few singing lessons wouldn't go astray. __________________ Come clean, come good, repeat with me the punch line 'Just like blood' when those at the back rush forward to say how a little love goes a long long long way. -- Simon Armitage

11-01-2006, 01:41 PM	#24
robmcgrail Lord of Lovely Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 198	I know this is weak at the moment. It is only a demo, so it only holds the basic melody and first recording of vocals. When i go to record it proply it will contain more intruments adding more depth and variation. And i will do the vocals with more feelings and a female vocalist on aswell. Cheers.